I spend a huge amount of time thinking about why I do what I do, why I think what I think, and why I feel the things I feel. I am on a constant quest to understand and control my own mind. This has been great in many ways. I used to have terrible anger issues with violent tendencies, and now I don’t. I used to have PTSD flashbacks, but I haven’t had one in years. There was a time when I dealt with my emotions by mutilating myself, and that is very rare now. I used to pick fights with my loved ones. I used to play video games all day instead of living. I have been known to have social media rage and be petty and petulant. I have control over all that now.
I almost never cry, my anger never lasts more than a few minutes, and I can work through big emotional issues in a matter of days. I am supportive to my loved ones instead of antagonistic. I like myself and would invite me over for tea anytime. I’m not the most emotionally healthy person ever, as I am still a bit paranoid, have abandonment issues, and don’t trust other people’s motivations sometimes, but I have made progress on those things too. I deal with a little depression from time to time, but with meds and practice I cope.
I know, right! It sounds awesome!
I am happy or at least content almost all the time. I am good at not dwelling on things, not letting toxic people hurt me, and doing things I enjoy. A little too good. So much so that I don’t seem to have any drive (yes, there could be many other reasons for this, but I am exploring them one at a time). I think to myself, “Make money?” but then I look outside and scamper off to garden or pick flowers. I think ,“How about some writing today?” but I say “Nope!” and play with the animals.
I have goals (remind me to tell you later), and I have made some headway in reaching those, but I tend to avoid everything hard. I float on a happy, lazy river in the sunlight, being pushed forward only by the current, going no place in particular. I have a 50 minute timer on, making me keep writing this. If I didn’t, I would be playing the piano or napping with Mr. Snuggles. In fact, now that I think about it, of all the writing I could be doing this is the easiest, with the smallest readership and the most comfortable topic.
Why do I avoid success? It’s clearly something I want, or I wouldn’t write out goals and daydream about the future. I think about being a famous writer, owning a farm, traveling the world, creating great things, but I don’t do the tasks that would make any of that happen. I would rather be happy, supporting my loved ones and watching cartoons.