Today’s theme was freestyle writing, which I think should be writing whatever comes into your head, but there was a questionnaire to fill out. I honestly didn’t understand having a structured free writing exercise. I did it, but it just annoyed me. So I’ll just do my own as this blog post.
I’ve written something every day for a week! Yay! At first, I feel proud of that, then I feel silly for feeling proud. I always feel silly when I have pride in my accomplishments.
I feel both happy that I have managed a week, but also annoyed and guilty that I haven’t done more, I always feel like I should do more no matter how much I do in most areas of life. I constantly feel like I’m failing at everything. Things that I see as optional, like writing, I normally choose not to do at all, because either way, I’ll feel like a lazy loser. It’s hard to not get down on myself when I have the honest yet unhelpful thoughts like
- You have spent hours this week writing, editing and doing blog posts, but ultimately this time is wasted because it isn’t commodified. You could have spent this time in a money making task.
- You spent hours writing and all you have to show for it are some blog posts that no one will read or comment on and a few pages of a short story that you don’t have plans to submit to anyplace
- You worked hard this week, and if you kept it up you might accomplish something someday, but you are almost 40 and you only have a few published short stories and one novella length piece that you refuse to edit, if you had been more disciplined you could have been a writer, but now it is probably too late. Give up.
- You are not good enough, never good enough. Not a good enough writer, not a good enough career person, not rich enough, not smart enough. This is why eventually everyone leaves if you were worth more people wouldn’t leave.
Today is very much a give up day. I so badly don’t want to do this, it feels like a stupid, vain, pointless waste of time. And I feel like a pointless waste of space.
I guess I should mention that today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary, to explain why abandonment is on my mind. The one person who promised to love me forever stopped loving me. The person I respected and loved most in the world betrayed me. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, who promised to never leave me, left. It’s been over a year since he left me for another woman, who clearly has more worth than I do. It has been a few months since we were officially divorced.
Yes, these pictures of from our wedding scrapbook. Yes, I have kept it, and will continue to do so. I put dozens of hours of work into the wedding and then into the scrapbook. It is a fucking working of art that I’m proud of even if that marriage was a failure.
I want to be over this so badly, and some days I am. And then other days I miss him so much I ache. I want to send him cute pictures of my cats, that used to be his babies, that he loved so much until he didn’t. I want to tell him about things I’m doing, places I’ve been going, my goals and plans. I want to ask him about his life and be a part of it. However, every day the urge to reach out to him trends a little less, I now go weeks without communicating with him sometimes. But then he texts me about something, or I end up sending him a cute cat picture and we start talking, and while we are chatting for a few moments I feel like I have my best friend back in my life. A few days ago we had a conversation about “Noir” by Chris Moore, one of our favorite authors, we talked about the Avengers, he laughs at the funny things I say, and it feels good in the moment, and I know it shouldn’t. I want to text him now, but today of all days I will not.
I’m moving soon and once I do I guess that will change. Once I leave this house, this part of town there will be nothing else connecting us. We have common acquaintances, but no common friends anymore. He doesn’t talk to my nieces or nephews anymore. There will be no logical reason to speak to him. Any chance of us repairing any part of our relationship will evaporate. This makes me sad, because after everything I still care for him, and still wish we could be friends. But that isn’t a thing that can actually happen. He is someone I used to know, he is part of my past and has no place in my future, the present is brackish, because I’m still in between two states.
I should write a poem!!!! I haven’t done that in a while, freestyle is the perfect time to for that.
Adrift, out to sea for ages, hot sun beats down, skin burned, crystal crusted.
wanting is everything
Begging, prays unheard
floating in a sea of salt tears
Too dry to cry, nothing left
A swallow eases the pain, for a time.
A tiny taste, face upturned to fresh, fleeting rain
Moments of joy, relief
Sun beats down, skin burned and crystal crusted
Lost at sea
Something in the distance, a mirage
it must be
Land a dream, stability a fantasy
Wave tossed, powerless to the currents
Belonging to the tides, forced to go with the flow
Is that land?
Dropping down flat to the boards
hands in stinging water
pushing against the waves
Clinging to you saved me, my only solid state
Holding me back now, too slow
One last push towards survival
The water is changing, becoming less salty
Soothing burns, cool
If I don’t drown in brackish water than soon I’ll drink
As much as I want
Hands, no longer flat in prayer, empty, begging
But full, of infinite water.
For now, I swim against the current.
Today’s work log
Timer was at 1 hour 42 minutes when I realized I was I’m super thirsty and needed a drink! 🙂 Paused for a few minute break.
Time at 2 hours and 3 minutes when I finished editing and adding pictures.
I worked on “Eat the Rich” my WIP fiction piece until the timer said 2 hours and 19 minutes. Not bad! I think this is the longest I’ve worked since I started “Writer’s Boot Camp”