The theme today is to not seek chaos, which is great advice and something I have been working on for a while now. The author specifically meant people who bring chaos into your life, who waste your time and emotional energy. I don’t have many chaotic people in my life anymore, because I need all my time and emotional energy, I don’t have very much to give away.
Today was full of chaos, an early PT appointment, starting a new position at work. The logistics of doing work and PT was difficult, add into that internet issues. All of these things were unavoidable.
I have to go to physical therapy if I’m ever going to walk without a cane, which is my top priority right now. I want to walk normally if possible. I would love to maybe, just maybe be able to dance or even run again. I had to stop going to PT for a few months because I couldn’t afford it (insurance would only pay for so many sessions) and then when the new year started I was in the busy part of tax season. I did as much as I could at home and made some progress, but a few months ago I stopped getting better. PT is a must, even if it causes some issues at work.
My second priority is work and making money. I used almost all of my saved personal time off during the gap between assignments so that I could still get paid. I can’t afford to miss much time. I will miss an hour on Wednesday for PT, and at least a few hours next week. I still have my side job and I hope to maybe sell a few stories in the coming months. All of that could add up to enough money to pay my bills.
I got off work at 8pm tonight, made dinner and watch on an episode of “Altered Carbon”, meaning I didn’t start on this until around 9pm.
I’m supposed to look at my life and see where I can get rid of some chaos. Today the biggest source of avoidable chaos was Facebook. I woke up at 7 am, which was over an hour before my alarm. I could have used the extra hour to start on the writing, work on my side job, clean, exercise, meditate, read, garden. Instead, I literally stared at my cellular communication box for over an hour. I worried about shit I can’t change, felt indigent for people who I hardly know, was interested in things that have nothing to do with me. I read and liked posts from people who are not actively part of my life, who don’t read my posts, who probably don’t actually like me. I get upset about that at least a few times a month. That is chaos I could do without. If there is one thing I have certainly learned in the last few years it is that no amount of attention or caring can actually make someone interested in you. You can’t buy love with love. Love is something you have to be ok with giving away. Nothing you do, nothing you say, no amount of emotional energy you give other people will assure that they will love you. It doesn’t work that way.
It is fact that love and caretaking don’t have a great return on investment. People who I took super good care of when they needed me were not around nearly as much as they should have been when I was hurt and needed them. But a few people I hardly knew helped out and were amazing. You just never know. I guess my rule should be don’t give anyone, ANYONE, time that I’m not willing to lose. My health comes first, then my cats, then my job and my money (don’t give anyone money you need either) and then my writing. Everyone else can have my attention when I have time, or if they want to offer to do something with me/for me that is acceptable too. If you want to buy me dinner or help me with a project I’m more likely to be available. If you want my help, sorry, not anytime soon.
I have unfriended a lot of the worst people in my life, dumpster fire drama queens and kings who are always in the middle of an emergency. Or people who are super passionate about something as an excuse to argue. I don’t have time to argue philosophy with anyone. There are certainly a few more people I could cut out, and plenty who I am very carefully only being “acquaintances” with.
I would like make some grand vow to not get on Facebook, but I know my limits and right now that isn’t going to happen. I am very, very lonely when I wake up in the morning. Going to Facebook gives me the illusion that I’m not alone. I don’t know if I could get out of bed if I didn’t have that. I have to pretend that I’m connected to a large “community”. This isn’t to say I don’t have friends, I do, I would say probably significantly more close relationships than the average person my age. I am booked most weekends pretty much start to finish. It’s just the first 2 hours of the day when I don’t have a spend the night friend when I feel alone. I’m a mammal, I have to accept the limitations that come with that even when I don’t want to.
That was a lot of time spent talking about sources of chaos. Almost 50 minutes! We will call that freewriting and journaling.
Now I have to work on poetry because there are only a few days until that is due.
Total time writing tonight is 1 hour 49 minutes