I need to do this before I leave the house today, but I went outside to look at something and ended up playing with my peach trees, which are not supposed to look like this by the way. This is what happens when you don’t do the yearly trimming for 2 years in a row. I wanted to have the writing all done before 10 a.m. so I could shower and go out to an event, but instead, I’m starting at 10 a.m. I might have to work on this in the car on the way.
Today’s topic is that you don’t have to quiet the voices. We all have little voices in our heads telling us things and there is very little we can do to stop that. Because they are not of course voices they are thoughts, and you certainly don’t want to stop thinking right? I guess most people think about several things at a time. I am normally thinking about 2 things, but sometimes a many as 4 things at a time. When I am writing it’s important to focus on one of them, but you can’t turn off the other. No matter how exciting the scene I’m writing I still know my leg hurts. No matter how dramatic my character is being I still know that I have to feed the cats, or that I need to take something out of the freezer to thaw, or that I need to make a phone call before the doctor’s office closes at 5 p.m. Also, no matter how hard I am trying to write something good I still have inner critics, who say things like “ok, so the story is interesting, but you write like an 8-year-old” or “No one is ever going to want to read this” or “you are worthless, no one wants you, no one wants your work, you should just die”
Today, for example, I need to focus on poetry but my legs have itchy mosquito bites on them. And Ninja keeps climbing around my desk, so I have to pick her up and put her in my lap, but then I have to keep petting her with one hand or she gets back up on my desk. And I don’t know what to wear to MomoCon today, there is a Steven Universe photoshoot, so I should probably dress as Peridot, but that will add almost an extra hour to getting ready. And I will be in a heavy wig all day, and I’ll get a headache, and I don’t want a headache. What time should I leave to get home in time to feed the cats, change and go to event #2? Or should I not do event #2? Should I text one of my friends and see if he wants to go too? Should I take anti-anxiety medication today, there will be lots of people there? Should I submit the poems today or do it tomorrow? Why am I so bad at poetry? Should I not submit them at all? Is submitting anything just stupid, and wastes people’s time? Will I have time to see Deadpool between all the other stuff, because I really want to see Deadpool. Am I going to have any time to pack this weekend, I need to pack and take some stuff to the storage building?
So, that is the state of my mind. I wish I had someone to help me or work with on stuff together, like a partner. It would help with the focus I think, or maybe not, who knows? I’m feeling really unsure about my work, about submitting these poems. Yesterday I thought the one was really good and today I think it is shit, and I’m embarrassed to even be thinking about submitting it. I wish I had someone who I could talk to about these feelings. I’m feeling strangely isolated today, and that always makes me feel a little angry.
Any way, the plan for the rest of my writing time, if I don’t just start crying, is to look at the submission guidelines and get the formatting and all that shit correct. Then I’m going to read the poem out loud to myself and see how I feel about it and make all the edits. Then work on the other poem if I get time.
I only had time to do the one, but I think it’s well and truly finished now. I would like to submit two, but at least I know I have one. I’m nervous to do that tomorrow.
Total time today is 1 hour and 45 minutes