Yesterday was a busy and fun-filled as I said it would be. I went to a fan convention, had dinner with my niece and made it to the last few hours of my friend’s Luau. There are lots of Luau’s this time of year, more going on today!
The theme of day 26 is “LIving the Questions”. The author mentioned Rainer Maria Rilke. I searched the mighty google and found the passage she is talking about.
“I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” -Rainer Maria Rilke
Rilke was a Bohemian poet who wrote from around 1900 to his death in 1926. I’ve never read any of his work, but now it’s on the list. This quote very beautifully expresses my concepts of Future Kitty. I am always aware that out there in the future is a different me unless of course, I die soon. I spend a lot of time thinking about that future me and being angry that I’m not her, and that becoming her seems impossible. I have tons on questions I ask myself all the time, questions that can’t be answered now, they can only be answered in the future.
The author put in the proverb “The obstacle is the path” about writing. Today I wish I could just type up everything she says on day 26 because it resonated so much. Instead I’ll try to sum it up into my own words. I want to be a writer, so I write to figure out if I can be. The biggest challenge to writing is writing. The thing I’m most often thinking about when I am writing is writing.
When you are having writer’s block the best thing to do, the thing you most want to do, is write about it. When I haven’t written for a while I have a tendency to go to facebook and write about how I haven’t been writing. When I am writing I have a lot of anxiety about writing. Am I working on the right projects? Am I writing well? Will anyone ever read it?
The obstacle is the path. The thing standing between you and your goal is every tiny step you have to take to reach the end. A tree that might have fallen across the path is an obstacle, but so is the flat ground, so are the paved parts, so is the bubbling little stream. The whole path is the obstacle. I guess if the path leads to something, maybe a moderately successful novel, then each step of the path is filled with the anxiety and weight of the goal. At any point you can turn back of course, you can give up on the goal and thereby give up that anxiety. Which is tempting.
The author says that “writing makes us anxious” and that when you do it you have to be ok with that. Sometimes while doing these posts I feel like there is someone wrong with me because of how much self-doubt I have, how sad I feel that no one reads my posts, how much I must really suck. I feel like other writers can’t possibly feel this way. That the great ones must have always known they would be great. I worry that my insecurity is proof that I will always fail.
I feel bad when my writing gets in the way of other people. Yesterday I left the house for MomoCon way later than I wanted because I needed to write, today I know my boyfriend wants to go out and do stuff but he has to wait until I finish writing if he wants to do stuff with me.
Rachel Federman (the author of Writer’s Boot Camp) goes on to talk about what blocked her from writing and it is exactly the same as me. Like, this could be me she is writing about. I am a people pleaser, I want people, friends or strangers to be happy with me. I want to always show up for my friend’s shows or parties, I want to always buy something when I go into a shop. I want to always leave a big tip. I want to do you a favor, the bigger the favor and the more it hurts me the better! I am like a machine, where you put in a praise/appreciation coin and I will do whatever you want. I want to help you clean your house, I want to bake you cookies, help you move, plan your party, listen to you talk about your problems. I want to sacrifice and have people appreciate me, need me and never abandon me.
I bend over backwards because I want the people I care about to care about me, to love me. I want you to get so much use and value out of me that you can’t abandon me. I get taken advantage of because I don’t want to be alone. Sadly, even at my best, trying my hardest I’m not worth enough to keep the people I love.
Back to the point…
There are two reason why I am bad at making time for writing.
- It causes anxiety. Writing brings up all these hard emotions, self-doubts and fears. It turns my gaze inwards and triggers bad memories. It makes me feel like the Hulk: “I don’t get a suit of armor. I’m exposed, like a nerve. It’s a nightmare.”
- No one appreciates it. Not that they should of course, and that’s the point. I’m not doing it as a favor to anyone. I’m spending hours a day working hard on something, hurting myself emotionally, feeling stressed, missing out on fun things, letting my house get messy, skipping the gym and I don’t get the satisfaction on knowing I did it for someone I care about. I don’t get any “thank you”. And that really fucking sucks.
To be a writer one has to value the future over the present and be selfish. I’m a self-sacrificing, have fun now sort of person. Being a good writer by its necessity means you will be lonely often. And that, of course, like so many things currently, makes me angry.
Today during my writing time I have to submit one or more poems. But first I think I need a short break.
It turned into a very long break, I went to diner, a movie and grocery shopping. I was stalling. But I submitted 2 poems, with 6 whole minutes before the deadline!
Total writing time today 2 hours 23 minutes.
Total writing time was