I’m so close to done! I really can’t believe I’ve gotten this far. My self-esteem has been so bad for the last few years, my goals have all seemed stupid. It’s hard for me to imagine being successful at anything. I hope doing something like this gets me back into the habit of feeling like the sort of person who can accomplish things, who is successful. Yes, I know this project doesn’t have much worth to anyone other than me, but maybe it will help me feel like I am worth something again. That I am worth enough that my dreams and goals do matter, that it’s ok to put time and effort into things for me.
The topic today is “When it’s Dark and You’re Alone”, and it’s about pushing through and doing the thing when there isn’t anyone to cheer you on when no one else cares. A lot of times you will be doing something that feels super important to you, and you try to share that with your friends, family or lovers and no one cares. Like they might say a few words of encouragement, but really, they have their own shit going on. I have one friend, Issa, who has really been great, checking in on me, asking how it’s going. She seems to care about me doing this project. My boyfriend has also been supportive, but other than that most people don’t care. And while that sort of sucks it’s also ok. It really is, because doing the things I need to do to be a successful writer are the sorts of things that require being alone, working alone. In this series of blog posts I’ve tried to make it a spectator sport but generally speaking it isn’t. No one wants to watch you practice writing.
I have to do this not because it matters to you, but because it matters to me. I also have to do this on the days when it doesn’t even matter to me. This project has been a little challenging because there are days when I don’t want to write. But knowing I had to finish the goal has made it much, much easier for me to make myself do it even on the days when I feel like a giant, worthless moron who has no place trying to do anything requiring the use of my brain meats. How will I keep doing this in a few days when I don’t have the goal to complete? How will I do the writing without the blog posts and the illusion that someone else is following along and cheering me on?
I don’t know. I really don’t know how I’m going to keep writing every day after this. I guess I’ll try to come up with another game, another goal. There is a sequel to “Writer’s Boot Camp” but maybe I should do another book or challenge before that. I would rather not do a long blog post every day after this, because that takes up a lot of my daily writing time, sometimes as much as half.
Speaking of daily writing time, I have an old story to polish up and submit. I should get to work on that.
I read and edited the story, which isn’t bad! It had some clumsy points, too many instances of “too”, “many” and “so”. I think it is a good choice for this submission call. I’m going to read and edit it once more before sending it to someone else to look over.
Total writing time today (so far) 1 hour and 38 minutes.